April 23, 2012

Posts will be less frequent for a while, as I am off work recovering from surgery. This one is from one of my coworkers: Produce worker to deli worker: "I'll hold my bottom if you pull off your top." He wss helping her get the two sections of a banana box apart.

"I need to conquer my urge for sausage."

April 8, 2012

"After 7 years, you can become a born-again virgin. Yeah, your hymen grows back."

April 3

--That's what I'm going to name my daughter. Gionna.
--You want kids?
--Yeah. Just gotta get a girl first. I need a vessel.

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--I want the plastic chicken.
--What?!
--The plastic, processed, reinvented, styrofoam chicken.

April 2

I'm a fearless woman! I'll try any salami once.

April 1

-What are you guys doing back here?
-Downloading porn.
(They weren't.)

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-[looks at ruler] 8 inches. That's a lot. I don't think I've ever seen that. [a few moments later] I always underestimate my inches. When I go to get my hair cut
-Oh, you're talking about haircuts.
-Yes, haircuts. What did you think I was talking about, cock?

March 31

A customer had ordered casalingo salami.

Coworker: "How much Mandingo did you want?"

March 26

"Sausages! Ges of saus! Oh wait."

March 24

--You can get a student massage for $30.
--If I want students touching my body, I'll go to UBC on keg night.

March 20

[to customer buying sausages] Did you want a little stub action in your package?

March 19

"She gave me a piece of her steak and it was so good I almost orgasmed."

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-What's wrong with this mortadella? It's like it isn't binded together properly.
-I believe the word is bound.
-I'll bind you!

March 18

Today I was eating my lunch in the break room when a coworker came in, ripped a piece of paper towel off a roll on the table and wrote the following quotation, from another coworker, on it:

"So... we're low on small balls."

Not bocconcini, but balls.

March 17

Coworker: You rub that thing! Rub it! Rub it good!

_______

Coworker: I'm going to go home and light a fire in my fireplace. Have a romantic evening alone. Break out the new toys.

March 13

Customer: "Can I get a couple hundred grams of that ghetto white thing?" [pointing to the plain chicken]

March 12

Coworker: "Have you ever been to a swinger party?"

No, can't say that I have!

Coworker: Only two fingers? That's not enough.

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In the spirit of inappropriateness: Don't forget to move your cock forward today. Thankfully, no one said that at work.

March 6

Coworker: "I crave meat. I haven't had enough meat lately."

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Today, a customer told me that he hadn't been in for a while after reading about the health consequences of eating deli meats. He told me: "If something's gotta kill me, it may as well be you guys as something else." Fair enough.

March 5

- "I have this little bottle of man juice."
- "WHAT kind of juice?!"

March 4

Coworker: "There's white stuff on my meat."

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Coworker: "I usually forgive things for being small if they're tasty."

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Coworker (to customer buying many sausages): "Are you having a sausage party?"
Customer: "No! Don't say that so loud!"

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Coworker: "I've never had a ham squirt at me. Almost sexy."

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Coworker: "I suddenly have the urge to throw this [closed sign] on my womb."

blast from the past

Coworker, to me: "Can you tell me if my ass hole is getting bigger?"

She was referring to a hole in her jeans. She never wore those jeans to work again.

February 29

"I'm just going to go behind the deli and meat is going to fall in my mouth."

February 28

Apparently dogs menstruate.

Coworker A: "I know someone who put a diaper on their dog because they didn't like blood and they didn't like taking their dog outside."

Coworker B: "That would be good for my girlfriend. My girlfriend's family, I mean, their dog. They have this incontinent dog."

blast from the past

Coworker: This goes in the box-muncher, right? [referring to the cardboard compactor]

February 27

Coworker: [referring to German salami] It looks like a ribbed dildo. Not one that I own. It looks tempting.

a bit later

Coworker: It's better than being stiffy. Stuffy! Stuffy. It's better than being stuffy.

February 26

Coworker: Is there supposed to be water in those balls? Your balls are going to dry out! [referring to the bocconcini someone had just put in a container for a customer]

later

Another coworker: There were a lot of hot Italians! *wink* [referring to hot Italian sausages]

February 22

Coworker A: "Would you tell me if I had a booger in my nose?"
Me: "Uh, I guess so."
Coworker A: "Do I have a booger in my nose?"
Me: "Nope, don't see anything."

A little later
Coworker B: "Your tapeworm is showing."

February 20

Coworker: "Oh, I don't have necrophilia."

I had just told her about the time my Dad fell asleep at a Rush concert.

February 19

I work in a busy deli where customers must take a number, and are then served in order by number. Most of my coworkers are female; I'm one of three men working in the deli. I was about to call the number for the next customer when a coworker patted my belly and said "my baby".